Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
