M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
