my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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