The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
