At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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