It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
