I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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