I wish I could punch you in the face.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
