I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
