I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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