Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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