you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
