seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
