I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
