They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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