I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
