I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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