is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
