the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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