I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
wanna go halves on a baby?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
