Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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