The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
