shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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