the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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