You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize