she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize