We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
