Life is so much better after having sex.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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