it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
