so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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