Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Randomize
