Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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