If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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