Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
