in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
