I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize