i permit you to call me
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
