woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
