fuck your aforementioned shoe
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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