So drunk its hurt
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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