I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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