I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
