i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Randomize
