At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
