I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
