You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
