I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
