Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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