so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She even gives head with a lisp.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
