i wish my penis had a tongue
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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