Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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