my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
