i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
