I haven't been this sober since birth.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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