Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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