its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
