i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
