im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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