He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
