We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
