He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
