woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You don't make any sense
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